Balancing motherhood with career goals

Whatever the occasion, audience, or setting, I’m always asked the same question: how have I balanced being a mother of nine with a big City career? Looking back, especially over those years when my children were very young, it’s hard to fathom it myself – but certain things have helped, both practically and emotionally. I hope that some of those lessons learned might be of help to other mothers – and fathers too.

But I must caution that in my experience, parenthood plus career is less about ’balance’ (which implies beautiful equilibrium) and more about juggling. Inevitably, there are moments when that juggling act feels a lot, too much even – but other times when it is fun, fulfilling, a joy and a privilege. Accepting there will be ups and downs, moments when everything falls into place, and times when nothing does, is critical for sustaining our resolve - and stops us being too hard on ourselves when we feel we can’t cope.

So with that caution, here are my top tips.

First, recognise that you can achieve success both at work and at home. It won’t be plain sailing, but you can do it. Too often, we spend huge amounts of time and energy worrying about things that might never happen, time and energy that could be spent just getting on with the tasks in front of us. I’ve learned to ‘just do it’ as Nike urges us.

Second, take it one step at a time. You don’t need all the answers; the path will open up. A young woman asked me for advice; she had just got engaged and she and her fiancé planned to marry in a couple of years and then try for a baby two or three years later. She had just been offered a promotion – should she take it? (This is a true story). 'YES', I almost screamed. As Sheryl Sandberg urges, don’t leave before you leave.

Third, be aware there are aspects of being a ‘working mum’ that you can’t control. But you can influence perceptions by communicating clearly. A woman who reported to me handled her maternity leave brilliantly. She asked for a chat just before she went on leave and explained that having waited until she was 40 to have a baby, she wanted to really enjoy time with her child. She was intending to return part-time at first, ‘But I’m still ambitious, Helena’ she said, ‘I want to do strategic work, interesting work, I want to continue developing my career.’ By articulating that so clearly, there was no danger of inaccurate assumptions. Companies can’t ask you much, so spell it out.

Fourth, remember it’s not all sorted yet as far as working mothers are concerned. Sadly, pregnancy discrimination does happen. You can mitigate the risk. Seek advice from friends and colleagues who’ve already been through maternity leave and consider how to overcome potential issues. When – a long time ago – I returned to work after my first child, I was passed over for promotion. My boss said my performance was ‘great’ but there were ‘some doubts’ over my commitment with a baby. I hadn’t seen that coming, but with hindsight there were signs. Senior colleagues (all men) who would have previously asked my views on the market had only asked after the baby since my return. I should have volunteered my opinions, reminding them I was still focused on my job.

Fifth, decide to be in charge of your career. After that setback, I didn’t just say yes to opportunities, I created them. I realised I needed to strategise more. If a committee was being formed where I could add something, I asked to join – and usually, the answer was ‘yes’. And in turn, I was perceived as more confident, more capable, so the opportunities – and promotions - started to flow.

Sixth, keep talking to your partner (or support network). Without over-dramatising things, having a baby is a massive deal. And their birth is just the start of a whole new exciting chapter in your life. You can’t expect to go back to work and carry on just as before – at the very least, it needs to be a team effort. That doesn’t mean you’ll achieve less - mothers often become very efficient with their working hours, since the competing interest is a precious baby. It amuses me when people say they can’t work out how I fit so much in – I fit so much in because of all that practice!

Seventh, childcare. Essential, but tricky. Every family and every child is different and good quality childcare is both scarce and expensive in the UK. My husband and I had limited funds when we had our firstborn. The least unaffordable option was a day nursery close to my office but the logistics were challenging. Every time our son sneezed, the nursery called us to take him out - and my husband and I would then argue over who could leave work early. The stress forced me to look for a higher paying job, so we could afford a nanny. She lived out, which gave us all space. Paula joined us when we had one child and stayed over twenty years, leaving when our ninth was 7. She was – is – part of our family.

And finally, embrace the choices you make. I was struggling not to feel a failure at home and at work when a senior female colleague advised me to ‘accept the path I had chosen’. She was the mother of grown-up twins and remembered feeling the same sense of conflict and frustration, before accepting she could only try to be the best she could be at home, and at work and not live in a constant state of regret. Simple, powerful advice.